


I'm Flirtin' With Disaster, Baby

by CloudSpeck



Series: Discord Drabbles [1]
Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Broken Bones, Concerts, Cussing, Dialogue Heavy, Feral Jaskier | Dandelion, Feral Lambert (The Witcher), Flirting, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia is So Done, Jaskier | Dandelion Being a Little Shit, Lambert Being a Little Shit (The Witcher), M/M, Snark, Stupidity, mosh pit, moshing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:34:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24721633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloudSpeck/pseuds/CloudSpeck
Summary: Jaskier's first mosh experience ends in a broken nose...and getting laid?
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Jaskier | Dandelion, Jaskier | Dandelion/Lambert
Series: Discord Drabbles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1787413
Comments: 13
Kudos: 121





	I'm Flirtin' With Disaster, Baby

Metal music wasn't something that Jaskier normally went for, but when his best friend Geralt invited him along to see his favorite band play live, well, how could he refuse. It was sort of exciting really. He'd never actually been to a metal concert before after all. Never really stepped out of his 'indie rock' bubble in fact. After being outfitted in clothing Geralt deemed "appropriate" and not Jaskier's usual "soft-boy shit", they had found themselves on a two-hour car ride out of the city. Geralt buzzed with an intense energy and excitement next to him which left Jas basking in the overflow.

"Rules." The white-haired metal head spoke up after about thirty minutes of loud music and snack food.

"Rules?" Jaskier shot him a quick look. What the hell did he mean rules. The brunette wasn't a child. He didn't need rules.

"Yes, there are rules, Jas." His voice sounded exasperated, tinged with the smallest bit of fondness.

Jaskier made a tsk'ing sound and looked out the window.

"Rule 1. Be courteous. Rule 2. Do what you're told by the organizers and security."

"I'm a grown man. Why the hell am I being treated like a middle schooler? I know how to act in public spaces, Geralt."

"I'm talking about the fucking Pit, Jaskier. If you go in, you need to know the rules, otherwise you'll end up in the med tent and I'm gonna have to take your crippled ass home before the concert is over. Your mother will blame me for you doing the tango with stupidity again."

Jaskier snorted unattractively and waved a hand half heartedly to the side. "Eh, she'd just give you the silent treatment for a week. Maybe call you devil-spawn again. Hardly anything really..." He stopped himself to take a sip of water. "The Pit?"

"Mosh pit?" Geralt made sure to roll his eyes in exaggeration. Jaskier wasn't the only one who could get dramatic after all. "I know you know what they are. Big walls of bodies, slam into each other. Crowd surfing. Dancing."

"Oh, okay. So, the rules?" Jaskier listened intently for the next hour as Geralt explained the ins-and-out of moshing, until-

"And I know how you can get, but if a fucker makes you bleed, don't retaliate. Security handles that shit."

"The fuck do you mean you know how I can get, Geralt Wilfred Wolfe?!"

"That's not my name."

"It's your name right now, asshole. What the hell does that mean? 'I know how you can get'."

"You tried to brain Valdo Marx in Freshers Week, because he tripped you in the hall."

"The fucker did it on purpose." Jaskier pouted.

"You smacked Fringilla with a notebook because she tried to borrow your favorite pencil."

"...Without asking. She was stealing it, Geralt. It's my lucky pencil."

"Professor Stregobor and the hot glue gun incident?" Geralt held back a laugh, tapping at the steering wheel.

"He gave me a D on a perfect A report, Geralt!" Jaskier took a breath as they pulled into their parking space. "...Okay, I get it, I'll do my best to relax. Besides, you'll be there. I'm sure I won't get in trouble with a big, level-headed, bodyguard around."

Geralt nodded his head with a partially disbelieving smile. "We're meeting Eskel, Yen, and Triss here too. Keep your eyes open for them."

"You couldn't have told me sooner?"

"I didn't think you'd come if I told you that everyone was coming."

That was bullshit and Geralt knew it. Of course he would have come, he just would have liked a heads up to mentally prepare himself for hanging out with Geralt's on-again-off-again.

The music was already blaring when they got in the venue, well if it could be called a venue. Open field, roped off areas, trailers for the bands, and a few tents for first aid, merchandise, and refreshment. It was a lot to take in and overwhelmed every one of his senses. It felt like the temperature had gone up by several degrees just by how many people were packed in the place.

Geralt pulled him along toward one of the tents where he passed off their coats to a lady dressed in a full on leather look that was probably incredibly uncomfortable and sweaty. Jaskier envied her ability to suffer for her passion. The next place they went was to get some water. The band was still warming up and Geralt had his eyes on the crowds, searching through it for familiar faces.

"Why don't you just call your brother?"

"His phone is on silent."

"Call Yen."

"She never brings her phone into concerts. Ruins the experience."

Jaskier made to give a retort to such a pretentious statement when seemingly out of nowhere Eskel appeared. Intimidating and pretty as always.

"You're late, Ger. We've been here for over an hour."

"Well, my clusterfuck of a friend over here couldn't decide between plaid or _plaid_." Geralt motioned to Jaskier.

"Fuck you, my jeans are gorgeous. You just lack true fashion sense." Jaskier cocked a hip out and crossed his arms in front of his chest. Eskel gave a full-body laugh in his direction.

"Well they look good, Buttercup. So, let's go. The ladies are waiting. We found a spot near the stage."

Trudging toward the girls and weaving around people wasn't difficult. Keeping pace with the ridiculous men in front of him was. They were hardly taller than him, but their stride felt miles longer. When they finally got to Yen and Triss, Jaskier had to spare a second to take a breath.

"Mmm, Buttercup. You sure you're ready to mosh? You already look so winded." Yen's voice came out teasing and silky. "Like an old man."

"Fuck you, Yenna. I am the epitome of health and vitality. _He_ just walks like wolves might be chasing at his heels."

"That's true, I can hardly keep up on the way to class with him sometimes. I made him carry me once, because he wouldn't slow down and my heels were starting to kill my feet." Yen said flippantly. Geralt gave her a half-hearted glare and Triss laughed from her spot next to her.

"...You carried her. Shit, you're whipped Wilfred." Jaskier gaped.

"That's not my name, Jas."

"Wilfred, Geralt?" Triss perked up, ready to pounce on the tease.

"Don't ask, Jas is just being an obstinate little shit today."

"Darling, you love it." Jaskier fluttered his eyelashes and Geralt let out a long suffering sigh.

"You guys act like an old married couple sometimes." Triss smiled sweetly, purple lips tilting up.

"...or awkward bros. '2 bros in a hot tub, 5 feet apart cuz they're not gay.'" Eskel snorted out, teasing in a brotherly tone.

"Mmm...Geralt's straight, just comfortable in his masculinity." Jaskier's smile bordered on perverted humor.

The music started up and the conversation was quickly forgotten. Moshing, Jaskier learned, was as much a work out as a dance. Even with all the exercise he did, he was still left sweaty with burning muscles after a very short time. It was surprisingly easy to stay close to his group of friends, Geralt consistently pulled him back if he strayed to far in and Eskel kept close to his right just in case...but then, Triss had been caught up in a circle-pit to the side and had dragged Yen along. Yen had grabbed for Geralt. Geralt grabbed for Eskel and Eskel had missed Jaskier's hand by inches. Being in a mosh pit without your friends next to you, alone and for your first time, was a lot more intimidating than anything he'd experienced so far.

Jaskier was not a quitter though and took it in stride. He didn't leave the pit, choosing instead to join further in and see what would happen. The fact that only 5 minutes later, the music screaming through his ears and vibrating through the ground, a boot came crashing into his nose...Well it sort of pissed him off for putting a damper on things. Also, the blood was ruining his jeans. And fuck was his nose broken? He yanked the crowd surfer down without thinking, letting him fall to the ground with a satisfying thud.

"What the fuck!?! You can't just do shit like that, you little fuck!" It was screeched in his face when the man stood up and Jaskier didn't bother trying to see what said screamer looked like, eyes already clouded with red. He pulled his fist back and punched.

They both ended up in the first aid tent after being pulled out by security. Jaskier was still cranky, muttering to himself. The other man seemed to be calming some.

"Dude, I'm sorry, dude." The nameless nose-breaker spoke up after Jaskier had been bandaged. They hadn't bothered with the blood on his chest. Jaskier had been too annoyed to let them clean it.

"Fuck. In there for five fucking seconds, didn't even get to enjoy it." 

"Dude, I'm sorry. Are you okay?" More fucking talking.

"Am I okay? You broke my nose." Jaskier spit out.

"I said I was fucking sorry dude. You should have moved your fucking face." Nose-breaker seethed. 

Jaskier gave him his best glare. The bruises that raccooned his eyes lessened the effect by at least half. "Why the fuck did you smash your foot in my face?!?"

"Why the fuck did you headbutt my foot, dude?"

"My head was right where it was supposed to be you absolute fuckstick. You're the one wearing heavy-ass combat boots flying around the air like Tinkerbell." Jaskier crossed his arms.

"Oh, fuck you, you little shit. Crowd-surfing is an art form." Nose-breaker was leaning in and jabbing with a finger.

"You didn't master the art form and practice sure as hell won't make you any better." Jaskier pulled the finger up sharply and bent it back. "Stop fucking touching me or I'll give you a bruise to match the one on your left eye."

Nose-breaker cut off a pained sound to give his laughing retort. 'So I can match your fucked up mug?"

"Fuck you! My face is gorgeous when assholes aren't breaking it with their clodhopper feet. I'll have you know I'm a part-time model. Magazines and commercials, you uncultured twit."

"You won't be modeling anytime soon _'Beautiful'_." Nose-breaker laughed hard, voice sarcastic, and jabbed at him again with the pointer finger on his other hand.

Jaskier punched him in the face again. Nose-breaker's head knocked back before he tackled Jaskier and they both fell to the ground. Fuck that hurt. The ground was hard, and now his face throbbed even more, and fuck this guy was heavy. He swiped a leg out and kicked up, knocking him in the groin and Nose-breaker slammed at his chest. They rolled around, knocking cheap jabs at each other until Nose-breaker got him in the cheek.

"Are you stuck on stupid!?! My nose is broken! Are you trying to disfigure me completely! Fucking Christ!" Jaskier shouted shrilly.

Nose-breaker sat up in his lap abruptly and stared down at him. "Look if I buy you a beer, will you shut the hell up?"

"What?" What a way to take the wind out of his sails.

"If I buy you a beer, will you shut up already?" He bit out.

"Buy me two and you can take me home, dumbass…" Jaskier smirked, tone dripping in sarcastic annoyance.

Nose-breaker smirked back and something about that made Jaskier feel like he might have just set a challenge.

When they entered the refreshment tent it was good to notice that he was not the only one with a body part bandaged to hell. Some people looked like they were sporting splints, which was a little worrisome. The idea that they weren't immediately going to the hospital...then again, he hadn't either. Nose-breaker bought them each a beer and they settled on a corner bench away from everyone.

"So…" Well, shit. It was awkward to talk to people you beat up, wasn't it?

'I can't keep calling you 'Dude'. What's your name?" Nose-breaker sounded infinitely calmer now that they were relaxing with drinks in their hands.

"Jaskier. Jas. And I can't keep calling you Nose-breaker. Mother didn't raise me to be such an impolite young man." He batted his eyelashes. Nose-breaker was cute, now that he was actually, really looking at him. Nice, slick backed hair, form fitting shirt, tight jeans, hard muscles.

"Lambert. No nickname." He snickered. "She raise you to be a 'good boy'?" Lambert's eyes were full of mirth. Jaskier's body lit up at the words.

"Unfortunately she never could teach me. I need a better sort of tutor." Was it even sexy to flirt with a broken nose and a chest covered in dried blood? He took a long drink of beer.

"Uhuh, so you genuinely are a little shit that needs punishment?" Lambert had a glint in his eye. The bruises surrounding them looked ridiculous, but hell, he'd put them there, so it was fine. This was the most insane turn around he'd had with someone ever. Lambert was nuts. Hot and nuts.

"Yeah, I should really find someone to dole that out. Know anyone?" He inspected his fingernails as nonchalantly as possible.

"I think I might know a guy you can be a 'good boy' for. How about that second drink?" Jas gave his assent and Lambert was back in minutes with four bottles. He passed two off to Jaskier.

"Thought I said you'd only need two, hmm?"

"Oh fuck that, I like to spoil people when they aren't being assholes to me "

"You don't know me well enough to know if you want to spoil me, dumbass."

'Listen, if I feel like getting tipsy, I sure as fuck ain't doing it alone, sweetheart. Drink the beer, okay?" Lambert's voice held no bite, only laughter.

"Okay, okay 'Daddy'. I'll drink the damn beer." Jaskier chuckled at the sputtering that came from next to him.

"Oh fuck you. That wasn't fair. You could have waited 'til I swallowed." He mumbled out, taking another sip.

"Oh, do you always swallow, Lambert?" Another splutter.

"I swallow everything, Jas. Patience will get you everything on that front."

Jaskier's ears turned bright red. "My best friend says I lack a lot of that." Another drink.

"We'll work on it then, if you want?" Lambert's lips quirked.

"The best way to find out if I want that from someone is to kiss them first." Jaskier gave him the cheesiest smile he could manage.

"Well shit, why didn't you just say so, Jaskier?" And then Lambert was setting down his last drink and leaning into his space for a kiss.

This was one of his dumber decisions. Geralt would kill him when he found out. Jaskier grinned into the kiss, arms going to wrap around his neck and beer sloshing down Lambert's back. It didn't slow the man down from pressing firm, hot kisses to Jas' mouth. God, he had really, really soft lips even with the split on the bottom one.

"I've decided that you're taking me home." Jaskier tittered, voice edging on tipsy, and turned his head to kiss more thoroughly. Lambert snorted against him and pulled the brunette closer.

"Cool, dude." More kisses, down his neck, hardly avoiding the bloodied areas.

Thats how they were found five minutes later by Geralt and the rest of his friends, Jaskier straddling Lambert on the bench with one of Lambert's hands tucked in a back pocket and the other holding possessively to his neck and collarbone.

Geralt's voice came out low and distressed after taking in the position of his brother and friend. The two hadn't noticed them yet. "Lambert, what are you doing!?"

At the sound of his best friend's voice, Jaskier sat back and Lambert sent Geralt a cocky grin. "I don't know, but holy hell, it's gonna end in me getting laid."

Jas looked between the two before giving his group an awkward little wave.

"Wilfred~ You left me, so I made a new best friend." He gave them all a tipsy little giggle. Lambert joined in half way through with a louder laugh.

"That's not my name, Jas." Geralt huffed.

"You met our brother after we lost you?" Eskel piped up behind them all.

"I thought you were still out of the country?" Triss questioned curiously.

"Yeah, you fuck, you weren't even supposed to be back for another two months." Yen ground out.

"Wait, your brother?" Jaskier's giggling intensified. Of course. Lambert. The military brother. Of-fucking-course. This was hilarious.

"My _baby_ brother, Jas. Wait...Did you do this to my bro?" Geralt's head snapped back and forth.

"Technically, your bro did this to me, Geralt." Jaskier folded his arms and leant further back, tilting his chin up defiantly.

"Not you, damn it. You. This is his first show. Did you break his fucking nose, you asshole?" Geralt jabbed a finger toward Lambert.

"If you didn't leave your bro for pussy maybe this wouldn't have happened." Lambert shot back testily.

"Excuse me? That's not what happened." Yen butted in, voice filled with offense.

"You broke his nose, Lambert." Eskel added calmly. "How did you even manage to do that?"

"Well, he busted me in the face as payback, so-"

"He gave you the panda eyes?" Triss gave them an approving once-over.

"Yep and the split lip. Probably would have broke his fingers if he hadn't stopped poking me when he did." Jaskier said proudly.

"God damnit Jas, I told you to let security handle that shit didn't I? The rules. I gave you simple rules to follow." Geralt's attention turned to Jaskier. "Are you trying to get thrown out by security? What would you have done if you'd been kicked out? You don't have keys to the car."

"Obviously, I would have called you, you asshole." Jaskier reached back to pull his phone from the unoccupied pocket and shook it back and forth in front of Geralt's face. "Honestly. Its not even like we hurt each other that bad." 

"That's not the point Jas. What if it'd been a concussion? What if it was a stranger?"

"Technically, Nose-breaker here was a stranger until about...Oh, how long have you been here now?" Jaskier laughed loudly. Lambert squeezed his ass in retaliation of the nickname. He jumped.

"Please stop flirting in front of me." Geralt grunted.

"The fuck. Come on, Ger, lay off my lay." Lambert hissed.

"He's not your lay, you stupid, just, ugh." Geralt ran a hand through his hair. Triss laughed behind him at the overreaction of it all.

"Excuse you both if you're done posturing, I was busy getting busy with this fine hunk of man meat. I'd prefer if you didn't _pretenderize_ him, thank you." Jaskier squirmed around on Lambert's lap and the man under him choked down on a groan.

"Okay! Okay, this conversation is done." Lambert pulled Jas up off his lap as he stood and then hauled him over his shoulder. Holy shit, being manhandled like that was really attractive. "Geralt, he'll be home later. You don't have to be such a _mom_."

"Wait. What? Lambert! What the fuck does "pretenderize" mean, Jas? You can't just up and carry him away like that, Lambert. Jas! Your fucking nose is broken you idiot. How the hell is sex going to feel good with your face like that?!" Geralt ranted, following behind as they walked.

"Don't have to use my face my good man! Got other body parts we can make use of~" Jaskier sang back cheerily, saluting him with two fingers. His hands moved back down to pet wherever they could reach on Lambert. He patted Jas on the ass in return, before strutting out the venue and to his car.

Geralt tripped over his foot at Jaskier's reply and Triss choked hard on her drink. Eskel made a noise and went to thumping at her back. Yen let out a loud cackle. This was a nightmare. They were going to be so chaotic together. Jaskier's mother was going to give him the silent treatment for a lot longer than just a week.

**Author's Note:**

> The Jaskel Discord Server gets up to silliness.
> 
> I number generated this out of a pile of other ideas from it.


End file.
